Too many short sentences make a scene feel stilted

When I was still new to writing, someone told me that to write a good action sequence you had to use a lot of short sentences. The idea was that short sentences were straight to the point and didn't give you a chance to add fluffy stuff. When I was told this advice, I was told that the short sentences would speed things up. Now that I'm more experienced, I know that this was bad advice and fundamentally not true.

Short sentences can be a great device to add emphasis, which is why this misconception exists. When used wisely, the short sentence can create urgency within your storytelling. However, too many short sentences in quick succession will create a stilted feeling in the narrative that is disjointed and slow to read. It can even make things confusing.

In today's post, we're going to discuss the true nature of using short sentences in action sequences.

The "shorten sentences" advice works in isolation

When looking at a sentence in isolation, most of the time, you can tighten a sentence and make it shorter, still carrying the same impact as the longer variant.

Consider the following example.

He played the game as if his life depended on it, and the truth was that it did.

I will grant you that this is not an overly long sentence; many classic novels have sentences that are 200+ words in length. But in this particular example, the longer sentence construction places emphasis on the fact that the character is playing the game. The importance that his life depends on the outcome of the game is something that gets lost in the longer construction. By using shorter sentences, we tighten the narrative and add a layer of suspense.

He played the game as if his life depended on it. Unfortunately, it did.

This is a basic example. But this is a short segment and not a long sequence.

The advice of using a series of short sentences in an action sequence becomes problematic when you look at the sequence as a whole. Those sentences are no longer isolated.

The impact of short sentences in an action sequence

It is common within an action sequence to use short sentences that are incomplete. They might be missing a subject or a verb. Or they are describing action only, missing out on the additional thoughts and reactions that you might find in a longer sentence construction.

The odd short sentence adds emphasis, which is why you will see single-word, single-sentence paragraphs in action sequences. But when you use a particular device again and again and again, that device loses its power and has the opposite effect of what it is you are trying to achieve.

The idea of using short sentences is supposed to help build suspense by way of giving emphasis to certain ideas (as in the example above). But when all the ideas have the same emphasis, then nothing is emphasized.

Let's consider an example from one of my own manuscripts.

A suggested edit that used short sentences

The following passage was a suggested editorial rework (a critique/sample edit on my own writing) that was given to me by a person who subscribes to the idea that high-action sequences should be written as a series of short, sharp sentences. As you read through the following passage, I want you to take note of the length of the sentences and their construction.

Read the following passage aloud, ensuring that you take breaths at every period/fullstop, taking longer breaths at the paragraph breaks. Make mental notes on what impact the chosen sentence constructions have on the reader experience.

Suggested Edit/Rework  (211 words)

A hand reached down to the sliding door, edging it open for the armed soldier to step through.

Elena's training took over. "Don't move." Her pistol pressed to the man's head. One shot would kill him. Shame he didn't follow orders.

The concussive bang reverberated around the small space. Sofia screamed. A smashing door. More gunshots down the hall. Another soldier leaped in over his dead comrade.

Elena dove to the ground.

The new threat raised a sub-machine gun, rapid firing.

"Sofia! Get down! Stay down!" She prayed Sofia had heard her and did as told.

Time crawled forward. Her world slowed to a standstill. Plaster dust and chips of wood drifted through the air. She rolled onto her back. Swung her arms around to aim. Fired two shots.

Silence.

She sprang to her feet. Sprinted across the room.

Her assailant had fallen, clutching his chest. Two shots into his head.

A third man charged her from behind. Slashed through the air with a belt knife. A raging bear. Faster than she anticipated. No time to aim. The blade's tip sliced her forearm. He kicked her in the stomach.

She fell against the counter. Boxes of bullets and spare magazines took flight. Her pistol skidded across the floor. Out of reach.

The above passage is filled with solid action, and it's the description of the type of scene that you would see on the big screen. But I'm guessing that while you were reading that passage, you found the action confusing and, at times, hard to follow. But did you notice any emotional impact from that fight sequence? Did you know what the main character was going through inside her head?

If you just skimmed over that passage, I recommend that you go back and reread it. Read it closely. There's a lesson here that I'm trying to show you, and if you just glance over it, you're going to miss it.

The original fight scene with longer sentences

Now, for those of you who have actually read the above sample passage, I want you to read the following passage and compare it to the one above. (BTW, the following is my original passage, which is still in the manuscript today.)

My original fight sequence (279 words)

A hand reached down to the sliding door and edged it open wide enough for a fully armed soldier to step through.

"Don't move." Elena pressed her pistol to the man's head. At this range, she only needed one shot to kill him. Shame the soldier didn't know how to follow orders.

The concussive bang reverberated around the small space, followed by a scream from Sofia and the sound of a smashing door and more gunshots from down the hall.

Another soldier lunged in through the open sliding door, stepping over his dead comrade. The new threat raised a sub-machine gun and fired successive shots, and Elena dove to the ground.

"Sofia! Get down! Stay down!" She prayed the young girl did as she was told.

Time crawled forward. The world around her slowed to a near standstill. Plaster dust and chips of wood drifted through the air directly above her head. She rolled onto her back and swung her arms around to take aim. She fired two shots.

The onslaught of bullets stopped.

She sprang to her feet and sprinted across the room to where her assailant clutched at his chest on the ground. Two more shots were fired into his head.

A third man charged at her from behind, slashing a belt knife through the air like a raging bear. He was faster than she anticipated, leaving her no time to aim. The tip of the blade caught her forearm, and the man followed through with a kick to her stomach.

She fell against the counter, sending the boxes of bullets and spare magazines in every direction. Her pistol skidded onto the floor, out of her reach.

If you analyze both passages, you will see that the action described is exactly the same. But what did you notice about the emotional engagement in the second passage as compared to the first? Did you notice anything else that changed about the readability as a function of the longer sentence constructions?

The first passage did use fewer words, coming in at 211 words. But if you were looking at that passage closely, you had no idea what was going on in Elena's head. There was no emotional connection to the POV character. In fact, the POV in the first version was so light that all it was doing was describing the action and what was on the surface. Any character could have been slotted into that role, and it would have made very little difference to the reader.

The second passage focuses on the character and not the action. The action becomes part of the landscape. We are no longer being told what is happening, but rather we are being shown it.

Deep dive into why the longer variant works better

Consider the second paragraph in both examples.

Example 1:

Elena's training took over. "Don't move." Her pistol pressed to the man's head. One shot would kill him. Shame he didn't follow orders.

Example 2:

"Don't move." Elena pressed her pistol to the man's head. At this range, she only needed one shot to kill him. Shame the soldier didn't know how to follow orders.

First, you never want to say "Elena's training took over." That is outright telling. Get rid of it. There's no need for it. Just show it. (BTW, before this fight sequence, you have Elena at the kitchen counter loading bullets into magazines for multiple pistols. It's obvious that she's trained from that. There was zero need to add that telling line.)

Second, a pistol can not press itself to a man's head. Someone has to be holding that weapon. And no, the use of "her" does not tell us who is holding that weapon. It could still be her gun in the hands of someone else.

Third, the pistol line in the first version is a passive construction, giving emphasis to the consequences of the action. In some cases, it is the consequences that we want to highlight, but in this case, we want to highlight who is doing the action. "Elena pressed her pistol to the man's head."

Then we come to the connection to the character's thoughts. "One shot would kill him." Why is this relevant? And where is the connection to Elena? One shot would kill him, but that shot could come from a snipper outside too. However, the construction used in the second passage gives direct relevance to the thought and connects it to Elena. "At this range, she only needed one shot to kill him."

The last sentence in both of these paragraphs carries with it the same message. However, the deliberate use of "the soldier" instead of "he" in the second version creates a level of distance to the man who was killed. It adds this layer of "don't care who this man is other than the fact that he was a solider," which is the idea that is dictating Elena's actions.

You can go through these passages line by line like this. And for most lines, the first version creates a disconnect to the main character.

Style and voice

There is another element to this that I deliberately glanced over when talking about short sentences vs long sentences. It's called voice.

Both passages would happily work in a manuscript for a fight scene, but it is obvious that they were written by two different writers. The voice in them is vastly different.

Because this snippet comes from my opening chapter in my assassin thriller, it was important to me that the reader becomes quickly invested in the character. It was important that the reader connect to the voice in the piece and my overall writing style.

Let's just say that I refused to work with that critique partner after I saw what they did to my fight scene. Rewriting things to the point that you remove a writer's voice is a big fat no-no for any editor or critique partner. So, my original version (the second variant) is still in the manuscript today.

(BTW, at the time of writing this blog post, the manuscript in question was still sitting in the querying trenches as I hunt for an agent and a traditional publisher.)

For action sequences, consider what is important for the reader to know

Yes, short sentences can add emphasis to certain ideas, but within your sentence constructions, are you highlighting the elements that are important for your readers to know?

If it is just the action (and possibility the immediate consequences of those actions), then filling your action sequences with nothing but short sentences might serve you well. But dare I say it, I, as a reader, will likely not like it.

I prefer stories and action sequences that are immersive and emotionally connected to the POV character. The odd short sentence is great, but you need a mix of sentence length to give a passage musicality, taking advantage of the longer sentences to build on the emotional elements.

I occasionally share passages of my personal writing with subscribers to my Judy L Mohr (Writer) newsletter. If you are interested in seeing more of my writing, or just wanting to find out more about my writing journey, hop on over to my personal blog and subscribe to the newsletter over there.